Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
