Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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