Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
