now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
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