dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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