Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
