The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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