the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
