I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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