oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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