were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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