Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Randomize
