Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
