I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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