my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
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