My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
