if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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