I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
