She is in my trunk
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
