i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
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