I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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