Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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