I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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