then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
