just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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