I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
