i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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