after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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