wakey wakey hands off snakey
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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