If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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