saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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