Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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