Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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