Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
