I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
