I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
