I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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