I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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