but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
the condom got lost in my hair
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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