is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
