you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
