even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
