I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
