i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
