i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
