stop calling my apartment porn island.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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