If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize