i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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