we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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