I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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