Don't you send me to vm
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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