i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
