I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
