Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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