Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
