forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
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sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
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I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
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