I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
