You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
