Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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