There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
