i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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