Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
