Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
